At peace (sorta)

Through the turmoils of high school (which I have been out of for 13 years) there was that one friend that always had more, a better car, richer parents and was just a little smarter and seemed to have all the advantages in life. She was strangely pretty, said the right things, got great grades without trying but she was my friend. She was a friend of convenience. Only when it was at her leisure were we friends.

Over the years we lost touch, tried to reconnect but she flaked out (Could have been because I was married with a kid by then, and she was home for the summer from college), but it never worked out.

Viola, the invention of social media, I find her thirteen years after the fact. Wow. Still treats me the same and nearly somewhat snobbish and stuck up towards me. She completes a profile about herself and "publishes" the details of her life, presumably so I can read how she got a full ride to six years of college, has some great degree for being a librarian (really??) but now teaches school. She lives in the part of town where we grew up that I would love to live in, has a great house, dogs, blah blah blah.

Very irritating person, I just want to be her friend, not in competition with her, but it's not that simple with this person.

So, to say the least I was very surprised when reading she was engaged and getting married right around the time I was getting re-married.

I went first with the marriage thing, thought I looked fat in my dress, etc. Typical normal thing for me. Stress over the weight. I should have dieted more, I should have worked out, I should have broken up with Dr. Pepper a lot sooner! Nonetheless, it was what it was.

So... back to the story about the friend in school. She gets married, posts pictures of her wedding and the trip they had afterwards and was so insanely thrilled beyond what a reasonably vendictive person should have been.... she was FAT! I mean, not heavy, healthy, cushy, squishy... she was fat. A good size 18 fat. I'm a size 10 and I struggle on a daily basis to feel good about my body (especially the cellulite on the back of my legs, eek!)

I was so excited after viewing the pictures I was unable to complete my homework or focus on anything but laugh like a maniac for twenty minutes.

Ok, so I calm down finally after twenty minutes (my husband thinks I'm insane after this incident of mania)... and I begin to realize she isn't happy, you can see it in her face. She's happy, but she is not happy with how she looks. How sad. Makes me happy for the decisions I make every day towards being healthier. Sans the beer and cigarettes with the husband. And oh yeah, the fried foods I eat with him on the weekends. But other than that I do a good job.

I look fine, I feel fine, no matter what the scale says in the morning (151.2!!) I'm okay. Education, money, nice house... nothing if I'm not happy with my body and how I feel about myself. I can have thousands of dollars in the bank and it mean nothing if I don't feel good about my appearance.

I'm not ashamed of that, it's my personality, has always been with me, and will never leave. Why fight something that is innate? Why feel ashamed that I care what I look like? Does this mean I am in shape and gorgeous... hell no! In fact, it means the opposite. It means I'll never stop working on how I look.

I always think I'll get to the "old lady" stage at some point (not too soon, only 31 years old!) and not care what others think of me, but I can't just let myself go. I have to care.